THE ANARCHY
Regarding the student demonstration that "erupted into violence" yesterday in London - I see the press are suggesting a rogue element of anarchists were responsible for the trouble.
Labels: Anarchy, Political Commentary
Hey, hey, hey! The daily ruminations of a klown. Except at the weekend. Or if I forget. Eurrrrgh! Tough crowd!
Regarding the student demonstration that "erupted into violence" yesterday in London - I see the press are suggesting a rogue element of anarchists were responsible for the trouble.
Labels: Anarchy, Political Commentary
In today's news, researchers from Cardiff University have presented a report stating that if newly qualified drivers were banned from driving at night and with their peers in the car it would cut road deaths by roughly 200 people a year. It's true, see here:
A woman is walking through a station concourse with her child when she asks a passer-by for the easiest way to Euston Station in London. The passer-by, a seemingly normal gentleman in a suit, proceeds to shout about eustachian tubes before blabbering on about something else that results in his doing an impression of a monkey. Several other people on the concourse join in.
Labels: Adverts, Google with Wallpaper
If you take a step back, cooking food seems a pretty random thing to come up with. I know there are benefits to cooking - killing bacteria, etc. - but even so, it just seems such an odd thing to think of in the first place, doesn't it?
Labels: I burnt my wookiee, Obesity epidemic
In today's Metro, collector doyen Dave Valentine tells us how he has amassed 500 empty crisp packets over the years, dating back all the way to his first packet in 1984. That means he's collected over 19 empty crisp packets a year - that's about one every three weeks! Quite a feat.
Labels: Collector doyen, Obesity epidemic
Have you ever wondered where rock bands get their names from? Because I keep worrying they're going to run out now, there have just been too many artists with wacky names. Already, music artists are twisting the spelling in on itself - Dizzee Rascal, Def Leppard - or making up words that simply don't make any sense outside of Tellytubby land - Tinchy Stryder, anyone?
Labels: Beatles, Smiths, Spandau Ballet - for the record
This morning I was awoken to a discussion on BBC Radio London about how spoilt the children of today are. Apparently, even working class families (for shame!) are now lavishing £500 at a time on children's birthday parties to hire a professional entertainer and allow every attendee to leave with a "party bag" full of toys, sweets and, I don't know, gold bullion or something.
Labels: Come Armageddon Come, Pacman
Last year, Microsoft launched a new internet search engine called Bing.com. I say "new", it is in fact the same old Microsoft MSN Live Search only with a new name. And - bizarrely - random wallpaper in the background.
Labels: Adverts, Google with Wallpaper
So, after all these years they've finally figured out the way to make us save energy.
Labels: Big Ideas, Declining Literacy Rates, Light Bulbs
It is with a growing sense of horror and revulsion that I learn that the workers in overseas call centres are now being coached in the fine art of small talk.
Labels: Adverts, Sales, Small Talk
In today's Metro newspaper they are running a poll to find out whether you think we are about to see a resurgence of swine flu. A poll. You can text in your vote, be it yes or no, to say whether you think swine flu will make a resurgence.
Labels: Clown Shoes, Hitler's Dog, Nazis
Labels: Musical inability, Nazis
Labels: Anecdotes about Wookiees, Special Edition
People seem very concerned with being cool. Even the people who say they aren't concerned with being cool are really concerned with being cool. Or, at least, not appearing to be uncool. Because, while "cool" is something one might justifiably sneer at, "uncool" is really a thing that one still wants to avoid.
The banks really ask a lot of security questions, don't they? Is all this stuff really necessary? I thought the whole point of putting my money into the bank was to make it work for me and yet, here I am, working real hard trying to come up with secure answers for someone in a call centre to talk to me.
Labels: Collect $50, My password is "Zach Braff"
The celebrity endorsement is always a tricky one, because the celebrities don't like to get too involved. It's like they're okay to sit by the pool, just so long as they don't get wet. They don't use the product, they don't drink the product, they've never eaten a meal from the product's range... but they're happy to shill for it if the money's there.
Labels: Adverts, I love Anne Hathaway really
I'm getting a little sick of all these lists of things that I have to do before I die. You know the things I mean. Fifty places you just have to visit before you die. Fifty albums you have to listen to before you die. Fifty hilarious things you have to say to a waiter... before you die.
Labels: Another regular update, heart attacks
Several hundred years ago Britain was sending its convicts to Australia. Today, it transpires that Australian police forces are now trying to recruit British police officers into their local force. Does nobody see some kind of irony to this? I mean, send the criminals, send the police.
It’s tough to leave a job. It’s not so much that heady goodbye to the steady income, it’s really the fact that it’s so hard to put it into words, the whole language is against you.
Captain Kirk and crew met a lot of alien races that were obsessed with games. It seemed to me that every other week they'd be in the thrall of the Game Masters of Andromeda of the Game Players of Titan and the Starship Enterprise would be locked in orbit until they figured out a way to defeat the latest game.
I find myself increasingly dissatisfied with the drinking water options in restaurants. When I ask for water the waiter or waitress will inevitably ask one question: "Still or sparkling?"
The problem with writer's block is that it's called writer's block. I mean, that's an example right there of writer's block isn't it? When they named that? You have all your smart wordsmiths together and they're trying to give a good name to this problem of not being able to write for a temporary period and the best they came up with is "writer's block"? Man, they must have all been suffering that day. Where's the romance, where’s the excitement?
If misery loves company does that mean a hermit is the happiest guy in the world?
Were people really calling their loved ones "honey" before the advent of pop music? There's a lot of "honey" and "baby" going on in the rock and the roll, I notice, but I'm suspicious that no one uses these terms in Victorian novels.
It's strange to think that the whole idea of shaving ever caught on.
One of the most disturbing television trends of the past five years has been the move towards broadcasting "The Real" something. You know the shows I mean... You've watched the fictitious and entertaining exploits of a dancing couple who fall in love, now our cameras follow around a real one in "The Real Dirty Dancing". Those fictitious jack-the-lads have been ripping off stereotype villains who deserve it in "Hustle", now watch as real conmen cheat your grandma out of her savings.
In today's news: In light of recent kidnappings, the Gaza strip has been declared as too dangerous for most Westerners to visit.
Can we not just standardise the Last Number Redial button on the phone now? Every phone I use it's a different symbol, a different process to access it.
It seems awfully strange that we still use horsepower as the standard measure for an engine's pulling power. You get these motorbikes that are, like, 900 horsepower or something. When you get into jet aeroplanes you're talking in the tens of thousands of horsepower. I think like most city slickers, I have no real concept of what one horse's power might be, let alone hundreds.
"Well, it's not exactly rocket science," they tell me.
The doors close button in elevators seems redundant. Because you know that the doors will close anyway, right?
His bark is worse than his bite. That's reassuring isn't it? His bark is worse than his bite. He barks real loud, it's very scary, you jump out of your skin, but if he clamps those big, slavering jaws around your hand you'll think that that is okay.
So let me get this straight.
Hair loss is a big concern for men, there's no point denying it. You can pick up any newspaper and find an advert for hair replacement of one type or another.
Help an old klown out here, someone - what's the Latin for "in front of the television"? Is it "-athon" or is it "-acizer"?
My local council has announced plans to charge higher residential parking fees for "gas guzzling" vehicles, like 4x4s and SUVs. The reasoning, they say, is that these vehicles cause more damage to the environment and thus should be penalised. The residential parking fees will be up to three times as much as those applied to a standard car.
You have to admire the "Caution Wet Floor" guy.
Life begins at 40. Have you heard this?
In today's news, the IT industry has launched a calendar to try to dispel the image that IT people are nerds. According to the press release, "the calendar's makers hope to challenge the perception that IT is a nerdy profession and encourage women to join the industry." So they've got some women who work in IT to dress up and pose as "screen goddesses" from the movies.
Is it necessary for anyone who doesn't wear fur to also not wear clothes?
What is this obsession with getting music downloads free? Why is there this element of society who are convinced that music should be free?
What is the deal with charities thanking the sponsors? When did this start? Did I miss a meeting?
Do you hear that sound? Those quiet scratchings. That’s the noise of millions of schoolbooks being rewritten, now that Pluto has disappeared from the diagram. Well, not literally, not in a doomsday weapon demonstration kind of way. "Heh heh, Mr President - Imagine if this little planet had been your West Coast? I give you one hour to comply!"
It amazes me how far the technology of communication has come in the last few years.
When it comes to Batman villains, you're hard pressed to find one half as terrifying as the Joker.
There are two things about the DVD warning that I really like.
Watching Knight Rider you got to see a car that could do anything. That car could park itself, drive itself, it could even tell you where it was going and how it was going to get there.
I'm having some trouble getting my head around the living in outer space thing. NASA are in the news this week, once more promising we'll be all over Mars and the moon before we know it. All over them. Won't be able to move for the people.
I think America tried to have some revenge on the tsunami ("Hello?! It was called a tidal wave!") about a decade ago with that terrible Godzilla film they made. It was like "Japan has made all these great Godzilla movies, but we're going to make everyone forget those and believe our Godzilla is the real one." It didn't take off, and, with hindsight, it was pretty obvious it wouldn't. I mean, Godzilla's spent forty years taking on all comers, smog monsters, giant moths, bat mutants - no one can beat Godzilla. Not even a new Godzilla.
People always look up when they try on hats.
Ah, the lure of easy money - who can deny it? So many people enter the lottery no matter what the actual chances are of winning. Because, the odds may be 5,000,000,000 to one against you, but, hey, that's 5,000,000,000 suckers that didn't win when you do, right?
Scientists have today announced that spring is about two weeks earlier than it used to be. They have engaged in serious studies across the globe to determine this fact and, yes, the season of spring is arriving about a fortnight earlier than it used to.
Who would be the better doctor to have as a friend - Doctor Frankenstein or Doctor Moreau? Both went to medical school, both are at the cutting edge of eugenics, both are reasonably well off.
Now, come on. Had they used up all the good names when they came up with lemon drizzle cake? Is "drizzle" really an appellation that makes the mouth water? In this or any other context, I think the answer is "no".
Zombie has to be the lowest form of horror monster to be turned into.
I think I've seen about all the news reports I can cope with that use a shot of the internet to illustrate their point. Honestly, how lazy is this?
Can you actually believe they had to pass a law to stop people using mobile phones while driving? I mean, have you ever seen people just trying to walk while they're engaged in a conversation on a cell phone? They're going very slowly, they can't seem to change direction with any degree of accuracy. I have seen zombies with more control of their movements than these people. If they're part of a crowd, other people are having to skirt around them the way you would an angry, rabid dog.
There is a war going on, my friends, all around us, and every day, we see another salvo fired. This war is going on right under our very noses. It is the war between recycled paper towels and hot air hand-dryers.
Do you realise how much of a chore having superspeed would be?
Do you ever wonder how annoyed Korea is with Ikea? Because, they almost have the same name there. It's not like you wouldn't notice. The patent office would at least hear your case if you presented them with that argument.
Man, which boy didn't want to grow up to be James Bond? I mean, Bond is the epitome of male cool. He has the coolest cars, he gets the coolest women, and he has the licence to kill.
Do you want to know why flies are so dumb? Because, really, they are. They fly in your house from an open window, then they spend hours and hours walking up and down the same window unable to figure out how to get back out. I mean, why did they even bother to come in if that was all they planned to do? They're fascinated with walking up and down glass, seeing what the outside world looks like. They don't want to explore indoors, oh no. They just want to walk up that pane of glass getting a prisoner's eye view of the outside world.
Do you ever wonder why Superman doesn't drive? Because, really, you never see him at the wheel of a car. He would sooner pick up a ten ton truck than drive one.
Boy, it's always fun getting e-mail from your friend's work address isn't it? You get that marvellous disclaimer after their message written in pseudo-legalese by someone from the accounts department. There's a lot of "nothing in this e-mail should be construed as binding" in that complimentary disclaimer, and that can sure confuse things when your pal's e-mail is "Let's meet up at 8 at the pub". I mean, can that message be construed as binding or should I start to doubt the word of my best friend for the last 20 years? He's never let me down before - now he's working for this new company has he been indoctrinated into unreliability? Is that what the company has done to him?
Vampires aren’t very excitable, are they? They breeze through unlife, generally trying to avoid the shocks. So many things can hurt vampires - your garlic, your stake through the heart, your beheading and sunlight - but they overcompensate by not having fun with anything much.
Just between you and me, do you think the gears on a bicycle actually do anything?
A frequent jibe levelled at the Americans is that, when it comes to naming their domestic sports they bandy around the term "World" with gay abandon. They call their baseball the "World Series", wrestling is the "World Wrestling Federation", that kind of thing.
Are chalk and cheese actually so very different? I mean, where did that phrase originate? They're as different as chalk and cheese.