Wednesday, October 14, 2009

THE SOCIAL ENGINEERING

It is with a growing sense of horror and revulsion that I learn that the workers in overseas call centres are now being coached in the fine art of small talk.

The scenario breaks down like this:  A UK business employs a call centre in India to field their queries because it's cheaper and - let's face it - no call centre in the recorded history of time* ever provided any help to anyone ever, so what the heck does it actually matter who answers the phone?  But there is the perception that these overseas call centres are alienating that precioius client base by being a bit too gosh-darn foreign.  So, now the overseas employees are being coached in current UK events, like what's happening in Eastenders and who's doing well in the Premier League Football competition.  Slip in a couple of cultural references and a line from a Lily Allen song and, the theory goes, no one will realise they're actually discussing their Sky Plus television subscription with someone in Mumbai.

Except, I don't watch Eastenders, I don't like football.

In fact, it is fair to say that I spend my life studiously avoiding situations that will require small talk as I find it to be the last gasp of a dying society with nothing left to say.  So, coaching an overseas sales rep in the minutiae of soap operas and sporting events I couldn't care less about only serves to make me hate him - and you, UK-based company - more.  Now, I am no longer politely rejecting your product - I am wishing its swift demise, that your scripted anecdotes about how well "Man U" did in last night's "ruddy important game" will just leave me alone.

As is so often the case, whatever it is you're selling - I'm not buying.

(* For training purposes, your history of time may be recorded) 

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