Wednesday, October 08, 2008

THE JOURNEY

When it comes to Star Wars, there are some interesting anecdotes about where George Lucas came up with those wacky alien names.

One story has it that he and a pal were driving out in the middle of nowhere one night when the driver bumped over something in the road.  The driver turns to George and says, "Hah, think I just hit a wookiee back there" and that's where Chewbacca the wookiee came from.

That's a great story.  Not, perhaps the greatest, but still great.  It's a little funny, a little quirky.  I mean, what's going through your mind to (a) randomly make up a word when you hit something in the road and (b) just keep on driving? There's this lingering doubt in my mind that some poor hiker is waking up from a coma, 35 years later, saying, "Well, I was out in the middle of nowhere when this car just runs into me and drives off.  And the last thing I remember is some guy laughing about - what did he call me? - a wookiee...?"  Can't wait for that guy to see Star Wars.

But I'm sure it was an innocent bump, they probably knocked into a fallen branch or something.

The lesser known part of that anecdote is how George Lucas and his pal were making the exact same journey 20 years later and the very same thing happened.  This time, older, wiser and with an eye on the insurance, George's pal says, "Hah, think I just hit a wookiee back there.  But he hit me first."

"Hmmm," thinks Lucas, "maybe the wookiee should hit first..."

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Sunday, October 05, 2008

THE CREDIBILITY OF COOL

People seem very concerned with being cool.  Even the people who say they aren't concerned with being cool are really concerned with being cool.  Or, at least, not appearing to be uncool.  Because, while "cool" is something one might justifiably sneer at, "uncool" is really a thing that one still wants to avoid.

Yet, when cool is in the clothes and music and mannerisms and - sweet valley high! -  the gosh-forsaken blather that passes for "street lingo", it all seems a bit of an effort to truly make oneself cool.  And surely the point of being cool is that you don't really try, you just are.  It's a conundrum, my friend, and one I am happy to wrestle with for you.

If you are struggling under the pressure of emulating coolness, I would like to recommend this eye-opening solution:  the DVD audio description track.  You know the one, it's the descriptions for the partially sighted or, as my old TV boss used to considerately call it, "subtitles for the blind".

What the audio description track does is it lets the movie run with a narrator chipping in now and then to paint a picture with words so that those less fortunate in the eye stakes can still experience the glory of whatever it is that Lindsay Lohan is doing on screen.  I guess that narrator's job is to be as unobtrusive as possible, and thus they use this awful monotone.  Really there's just no inflection there.  You wonder if they're just employing corpses to do this stuff, really, it's that bad.  Remember Ferris Bueller's teacher?  Yes, him.  Always him.

Nothing quite destroys the credibility of cool as when that soulless-voiced narrator butts in on an exciting nightclub sequence in a movie and explains, "There are a number of people talking and dancing while wearing hip, punky outfits."  It's like boiling down cool until all you have left is some terrible, terrible residue clinging to your fingertips.  And no matter how much you try to regain your cool mojo, that residue just won't wash off.

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Wednesday, October 01, 2008

MY BANK ERROR

The banks really ask a lot of security questions, don't they?  Is all this stuff really necessary?  I thought the whole point of putting my money into the bank was to make it work for me and yet, here I am, working real hard trying to come up with secure answers for someone in a call centre to talk to me.

And the questions, mercy me, the questions...

"And can you tell me a recent transaction?"  That's a great one, especially if you haven't accessed your bank account for a couple of weeks.  "How recent?  I opened it around 1987, does that count?"

Because they've already asked my name, my account number, I've confirmed my street address - yes, including zip code.  And now they want a recent transaction?

Okay, I'm smart, I admit it.  When I phone up my bank I have my statement in hand.  You know, it has the bank's phone number next to my account number, I figure it's a good thing to have.  I mean, I haven't committed my bank's phone number to memory.  I don't know my account number either, it's, like, 12 digits long - who am I, Rain Man?  So, I'm on the phone, the statement's in my hand, I'm using it the way Nature intended.  So, they need me to quote a recent transaction?  "Oh, I'll give you a recent transaction, my friend.  I'll recent transaction you like you've never been recent transactioned before!"  I'm reeling off cheques paid in, cash taken out, I'm throwing in locations - "it was from ATM number two in that branch, as I recall, and the time was 11.43 am.  I had croissants for breakfast, it's very vivid in my memory" - I'm doing all I can.

And then the call centre guy will say, "No, I really need something more recent than that, sir."

These bank statements are released monthly and the one in my hand is, like, a week old.  How recent?  In the last hour?  Do they need me to conduct a transaction while I'm on the phone and tell them how much it was for?  Would that help?

And yet, when I opened the account I was asked for a super secret password.  Ever try quoting that to the bank people?  They back away, put their hands over their ears.  "We're not really allowed to know that, sir."  So, what was that password for?  Because I've carried that password with me for years and no one's ever asked for it.  Is that for the really special transaction?  You know, when I've found me a pretty Klowness, we're writing vows, looking at rings in the jeweller's window, I'm taking a lot of money out...

"You know, I think I'm going to use the super secret password for this transaction - I think this could be The One."

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