THE GODZILLA

I think America tried to have some revenge on the tsunami ("Hello?! It was called a tidal wave!") about a decade ago with that terrible Godzilla film they made. It was like "Japan has made all these great Godzilla movies, but we're going to make everyone forget those and believe our Godzilla is the real one." It didn't take off, and, with hindsight, it was pretty obvious it wouldn't. I mean, Godzilla's spent forty years taking on all comers, smog monsters, giant moths, bat mutants - no one can beat Godzilla. Not even a new Godzilla.

If you put real Godzilla up against American Godzilla, real Godzilla laughs.

Godzilla would win a wrestling match with King Kong without breaking sweat. He could take on Pluto - the dog or the ex-planet (eurgh! Details correct at time of going to press) - and come out laughing.

Basically, Godzilla beats everyone. Because, not only is Godzilla a great, hulking monster with radioactive breath, he's also got the kung fu moves. Godzilla can take on all comers and win because Godzilla is cool.

There are two fights Godzilla might struggle with. One would be if he took on Batman. Not any Batman, my friend: Adam West Batman. Because Adam West Batman has everything going for him. He has the cool car, he has the crazy camera angles, he has the wild script delivery. You just know that if Adam West Batman took on Godzilla he would pull some "Bat-Japanese radioactive mutation repellent spray" or similar out of his utility belt. Basically, it doesn't matter what the label says, the technical name for that spray is "a can of bat-whoop ass".

The other close fight with Godzilla would be Captain Kirk. I mean, he's Kirk. Godzilla can stomp Tokyo a hundred times over; only Kirk knows when to ask a computer what is love.