THE GODZILLA

I think America tried to have some revenge on the tsunami ("Hello?! It was called a tidal wave!") about a decade ago with that terrible Godzilla film they made. It was like "Japan has made all these great Godzilla movies, but we're going to make everyone forget those and believe our Godzilla is the real one." It didn't take off, and, with hindsight, it was pretty obvious it wouldn't. I mean, Godzilla's spent forty years taking on all comers, smog monsters, giant moths, bat mutants - no one can beat Godzilla. Not even a new Godzilla.

If you put real Godzilla up against American Godzilla, real Godzilla laughs.

Godzilla would win a wrestling match with King Kong without breaking sweat. He could take on Pluto - the dog or the ex-planet (eurgh! Details correct at time of going to press) - and come out laughing.

Basically, Godzilla beats everyone. Because, not only is Godzilla a great, hulking monster with radioactive breath, he's also got the kung fu moves. Godzilla can take on all comers and win because Godzilla is cool.

There are two fights Godzilla might struggle with. One would be if he took on Batman. Not any Batman, my friend: Adam West Batman. Because Adam West Batman has everything going for him. He has the cool car, he has the crazy camera angles, he has the wild script delivery. You just know that if Adam West Batman took on Godzilla he would pull some "Bat-Japanese radioactive mutation repellent spray" or similar out of his utility belt. Basically, it doesn't matter what the label says, the technical name for that spray is "a can of bat-whoop ass".

The other close fight with Godzilla would be Captain Kirk. I mean, he's Kirk. Godzilla can stomp Tokyo a hundred times over; only Kirk knows when to ask a computer what is love.

THE GETTING AHEAD

People always look up when they try on hats.

It's a compulsion. It's one of those genetic throwbacks, like some weird, tribal memory. Whenever we try on a hat we look up. Is it because there's something new on top of our head? Because you don't actually see it there by looking up. Sure, maybe the brim of the hat, if it's quite wide. Maybe if it has a big ostrich feather in it, then you may see something by that looking up gesture. But, you're not going to get a solid idea of what the hat is all about by glancing upwards. It just cannot be done.

This is why you have mirrors in milliners. No need to look up. No need. Just look in this here reflective surface. That will show you not only how the hat looks, but how it looks on you. It's some kind of weird, reflection magic we have going on here. No need to look up. Stop with the looking up now. Just stop. Stop.

THE EASY MONEY

Ah, the lure of easy money - who can deny it? So many people enter the lottery no matter what the actual chances are of winning. Because, the odds may be 5,000,000,000 to one against you, but, hey, that's 5,000,000,000 suckers that didn't win when you do, right?

I like it when people say they're playing the lottery. Playing. Are you really playing the lottery? Is this playing to you? You've written down six numbers, you've paid an entry fee. From there on in, your involvement is negligible. This is the kind of play of the level of sports at school when you were the last picked. It seems that there's not a lot to this sport or game if the sum of your participation is "3, 6, 19, 27, 28, 43, money for my ticket."

Okay, there's something. There's a few million in the bank if you win, and the 5,000,000,000 suckers who you beat. But it's not really much playing. I can think of more playful things than the lottery. Kittens.

Go out, buy a kitten instead of entering the lottery. "I'm playing the kitten." That's got a nice ring to it.

THE AGING OF AQUARIUS

Scientists have today announced that spring is about two weeks earlier than it used to be. They have engaged in serious studies across the globe to determine this fact and, yes, the season of spring is arriving about a fortnight earlier than it used to.

I'm no scientist, but can I just propose we think outside the box for a moment here? If spring is actually arriving earlier than it used to maybe the problem isn't the seasons, maybe the problem is with the calendar. I mean, we've all bought into this 365 day/12 month shtick and it seems to have worked out well so far - we all know when to celebrate our birthdays, when to start our Christmas shopping and when the public holidays are. Is it National Eat a Sandwich Day? I'll just check the calendar... and it surely is, friend.

But, I'm really not sure that Mother Nature is checking our calendars. It's not like "Oh, April 1st, time for spring."

What we need to do is hit the big reset switch on the calendar, skip two weeks and get back in sync with the seasons, friends. You missed your birthday? Tough.

THE WHICH DOCTOR

Who would be the better doctor to have as a friend - Doctor Frankenstein or Doctor Moreau? Both went to medical school, both are at the cutting edge of eugenics, both are reasonably well off.

With Frankenstein, you'd hear a lot of stories about dead bodies.

"You'll never guess what I'm making this time, Krusty," Frankenstein would enthuse. "It's a brand new, living, breathing human being. He's eight feet tall, has the emotional capacity of a six year old child and I've used body parts stolen from corpses to create his body."

"Eurgh! Always with the parts from corpses. What is wrong with you people?"

Moreau, by contrast, he's got a wider repertoire to draw upon.

"Let me show you what I've been working on, Krusty," Moreau would begin. "This is my new, hyper-intelligent chimpanzee. He can recite the alphabet, count up to ten and is currently developing his own, fully operational religion system based around pasta shapes."

"Heh-heh-heh. Look at him worship! S'funny."

For my money, I think Moreau has the edge. You can't beat intelligent monkeys.

THE DESSERT OF RAIN

Now, come on. Had they used up all the good names when they came up with lemon drizzle cake? Is "drizzle" really an appellation that makes the mouth water? In this or any other context, I think the answer is "no".

I can’t figure this one out at all. Drizzle cake is moist. Drizzle is moist. And yet, it's not selling it to me. I'm not getting hunger pangs when it starts raining, just yet.

Lemon meringue pie makes sense. It's lemon flavoured, it's got some meringue in there, it's a pie. Yes, that's clear. But drizzle? Lemon drizzle cake? Really? This is what you want to call it? This? With the drizzle?

No two ways about it. It's just wrong.

THE POOR CHOICE OF THE UNDEAD

Zombie has to be the lowest form of horror monster to be turned into.

Think about it. If you're being turned into one of the classic horror creatures, zombie is pretty much bottom of the list. It's no coincidence that it begins with Z.

Vampire would be okay. Black never goes out of fashion. You can turn into a gaseous cloud to entertain your friends. You're hanging around a lot of attractive virgins. The vampire is a fairly sweet gig.

Werewolf doesn't strike me as so bad. For one thing you've got that heightened sense of smell. You also get enhanced strength, and quite often that carries over to your human form. Plus, you're only a wolf for two, three days a month. What's that, one weekend in four? It's not like it's going to eat into your social life too much.

But the perks of being a zombie seem pretty minimal. You walk with the shambling gait. Bits of you are falling off. You can't eat nothing but brains and flesh, and you have to dress in the ragged remains of whatever you were buried in. The slow walking, the bad meals, the poor health - these I can handle. Having to walk around in that uncomfortable suit I was buried in for the rest of my unlife... that seems needlessly cruel.

THE APATHETIC NEWS

I think I've seen about all the news reports I can cope with that use a shot of the internet to illustrate their point. Honestly, how lazy is this?

"The leader of an animal rights group today, said..." cut to shot of the group's website.

"It's been reported in the Independent..." cut to shot of the Independent newspaper's website.

"Election fever grips Turkey this week..." cut to shot of the Turkish Tourism Board website.

Oh, sure, they try to make it a little more interesting by having the page move slowly upwards, as though they're reading it as they're filming. Have you noticed this? Those three clicks on the mouse wheel have me convinced that they are doing some insightful investigative reporting here, I can tell you.

Does anyone else miss the old way of television news, where they'd send a reporter to the places they were talking about? I can visit the webpage for this animal rights group, for the Independent newspaper, for Turkey. I expect you, my news reporting friend, to be outside the headquarters of the animal rights group, at the main gates of the Independent, in Turkey. Do you not realise this? "Here's some stuff we found on the internet" isn't the same as investigating news. I get that e-mail every day and it goes straight into my spam folder. What's next, news reports trying to sell me Viagra?!

THE SHAMBLING MOVEMENTS

Can you actually believe they had to pass a law to stop people using mobile phones while driving? I mean, have you ever seen people just trying to walk while they're engaged in a conversation on a cell phone? They're going very slowly, they can't seem to change direction with any degree of accuracy. I have seen zombies with more control of their movements than these people. If they're part of a crowd, other people are having to skirt around them the way you would an angry, rabid dog.

And yet, some people still think they can drive while using these things? Wake up, people. They're not called "mobile" phones because you have to be moving to use them. They're not run by kinetic energy. There's no dynamo inside them.

If that mobile phone of yours rings the first thing you need to do is pull over to the side of the road, whether you're in a car or just on foot. If it helps you any, try calling it a "stationary phone" in your head.

Just one of Krusty's top tips, friend.