Friday, February 16, 2007

THE PUTTING THE BITE ON

His bark is worse than his bite. That's reassuring isn't it? His bark is worse than his bite. He barks real loud, it's very scary, you jump out of your skin, but if he clamps those big, slavering jaws around your hand you'll think that that is okay.

Does this sound right? I'd suggest that any bite whatsoever is not good. If at any point someone or something bites me, I'm calling that a bad day. He's hanging on my arm, I cannot free myself from the clutch of his jaws, and you tell me his bark is worse than this? It's louder, sure, but there was no actual physical attack at that point, let me remind you. Until then, he was just talking loudly.

Is there any situation where a bark is worse than a bite? Alsatians? Tigers? Tyrannosaurus Rex? I'm ticking them off here on the fingers I have left after trying to be bitten by these mean barking animals, and I have to tell you that the barking stage of our relationship was a comparative utopia. I'd like to go back to that. I may not be conscious of the barking so much now, what with the biting of the ears from that rabid Doberman during my research for this piece.

I'll tell you what I'll do. When that sucker is clinging onto your leg leaving indentations with his teeth, you can tell me that his bark is worse. Right now, I don't think I'll test your theory.

No matter how many times I hear that phrase, I can’t help thinking my life is better off not actually risking it.

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