THE MURDEROUS BING.COM

Last year, Microsoft launched a new internet search engine called Bing.com. I say "new", it is in fact the same old Microsoft MSN Live Search only with a new name. And - bizarrely - random wallpaper in the background.

Apparently, the name - Bing - took two years of research and testing to settle on. Microsoft's high-ups figured out that the reason Google was so popular was that it had a great name - people would happily say "I'll Google that". But no one in their right mind had ever said "I'll Microsoft MSN Live Search that". And I do mean, ever. Ever, eternity, ever. Of course, the fact that Google actually found relevant answers to searches seems to have passed the Microsoft folks by, so they instead invested in that random wallpaper in the background. Yes, that's adding to the experience of looking up information on Leukemia, good job, guys.

Anyway, two years of development and they launch Bing.com. "Bing me!" "I'll Bing that!" "Bing Crosby!" Oh - they had a dream of changing our language use forever, my friend, in much the same way that Google... wait, this sounds like the Microsofties thought that Google planned it all along, when surely it's just a reference to a number of things. If only they had some kind of workable search tool to find out information like that, huh?

So - after all this research, money, time - why, presumably in an effort to raise Bing's profile, has Microsoft decided to sponsor the Simpsons on British TV (a show close to this ol' klown's heart) with what constitutes the single most repellant and offensive advertising campaign in human history? Have you seen these abominations? A young couple, possibly married, certainly cohabiting for several years when we come to meet them, seem to be having what can only be described as a passive-aggressive relationship with no "passive" left whatsoever. Oh, they've cranked the "aggressive" up to 11 to make up for the lack of passive, but it's pretty clear that one of them's ending up under the patio or chopped up in the wheelie bin before the end of summer. I've seen less disturbing adverts on the side of cigarette packets, people - and they show cancerous lungs and dead infants, for goodness sake!

She: "Have you decided what you're getting me for our anniversary, dear?"

He: "Of course, light of my life." Grimaces, makes gagging gesture, searches on Bing.com for human poison.

He, staring at the television: "Can I just check on the footie score?"

She, showing him the score on her laptop via Bing.com: "It's nil-nil, the game's stupid, you're interrupting Hollyoaks, and I killed your hamster. Now LEAVE ME ALONE!"

- or something. I don't know, she's watching a soap opera with such vigour here that she's also on her laptop yet still won't let the guy change channel for two seconds to check the score of the match he wasn't allowed to watch in his own home.

She: "I'm popping out or whatever. There's a salad in the fridge."

He: "That's thoughtful." (makes face, Bing.com searches for mail order bride with some cooking experience)

What I'm trying to work out is just what sort of people Microsoft's Bing.com search facility is aimed at. Based on these adverts, I'm going with the selfish and emotionally maladjusted. There are people with Asperger's who are more socially adept than this couple. All people with Asperger's, in fact.

And, let's be honest - once you've used Bing.com once, you're really going back to using google. Because MSN Microsoft Live Search is still as utterly, incomprehensibly, mind-bogglingly useless as it always was, even if you add some random wallpaper in the background. Look up Bing.com on Bing.com and I'll bet it can't find it!

But then, given the clientele they seem to be pitching for, it's probably for the best if these mentally unbalanced would-be killers don't have all the facts to hand. Safety, you understand?