KRUSTY IS ON HOLIDAY

Hey, hey, hey, quit bugging me already. I'm on a well-earned vacation, celebrating Krustivus*. However, you can expect more klowning from the start of the new year, so do come visit again then. Mark it in your diary right now.

And, in the meantime, you can always check out all the old entries again. They are below, waiting for your eyes (and, man, does that phrase remind me of a freaky trip to the surgery I once had...?!).

Whaddaya mean, you're only here for the new material? Eurgh! Tough crowd!


* Krustivus is a genuine, recognised holiday except in Europe. And New Zealand. And the USA. And... where are you? There. It's not recognised there, okay?

THE HAIR APPARENT

There is a magazine out there called Hair. Honestly, I saw it at my local supermarket at the weekend. Picture of a smiling young lady on the cover - she has hair. She's also got teeth but that's not really the remit of this magazine, I suppose. Articles inside are all about hair. You know, "Should I dye it?", "How should I get it cut?", "How to use a comb", that sort of thing.

I don't know who Hair's target audience is. People with hair, I imagine, would be their prime demographic, though people who are interested in getting hair, exchanging their old hair, buying second hand hair are probably also targeted to some extent. (Yes, I am aware of the possible "extent/hair extension" gag here, but have chosen to leave that to your imagination)

I scanned the shelves but I couldn't see any Bald magazine. That's a big market that's being ignored. You know, articles like "Should I wear a hat?", "Great bald celebrities", that kind of thing. Really, one glance around the supermarket - the audience is there for this.

Do you ever wonder why so many evil geniuses are bald? Your Lex Luthor, your Doctor Evil, a selection of James Bond villains from the decades - they are all sporting the no-hair style. I figure that they started out as simply geniuses. It was only the basic lack of reading matter that made them turn to evil out of sheer boredom. Of course, my supermarket does stock Evil Bald Genius Monthly, however...

THE ENJOYMENT

No matter how big the advertising campaign for a product, it's hard to fault Coca Cola. Other beverages are offering taste challenges, promising "you'll know" when you drink them, implying you'll be more popular and more attractive if you drink them. But for Coca Cola, all they need to say is "enjoy". Really, enjoy Coca Cola. That's all you have to do.

It's not much of a slogan. It's just a suggestion. There's nothing forceful about what they expect here. Doctor Pepper feels it's important that you "just try it", because, who knows, you might like it. Might not. No one really knows. Please, just give Doctor Pepper a chance. Just one chance. That's all he's asking. He spent years at medical school before he created this drink. Please, oh please, can't you just have a sip?

Or, enjoy Coca Cola. No pressure. You want to enjoy one now? You go ahead. If not, hey - enjoy it later. We'll leave it in the fridge for you, okay?

Coca Cola is the real thing. I'm not sure what the other things were, the surreal things, the unreal things, the imaginary things, the Ben Grimm Things, but, the folks at Coca Cola hq are pretty sure that this is the real thing. And you can enjoy it. Or not. Really, they still don't mind. They're not doing a hard sell here. If you don't feel like one just now, they're fine with that. Enjoy it later on.

It's tough to compete with that kind of non-pressure. No matter what the other drinks companies do to get noticed, they'll always look like they're trying too hard.

THE POVERTY LINE IN THE SAND

They say it's time to make poverty history. A lot of pressure is being put on western governments to help put an end to the global problems of need and desperation. And that is a noble objective, certainly.

Yet, despite these levels of poverty, the only word that is the same in every language is "taxi". The taxi is not what I consider to be the cheap option. You don't say, "I didn't have enough money for the bus so I caught a taxi home." But, no matter what language you speak, no matter how much you own, how much you earn, you understand the word "taxi". If you're currently enjoying this item in a foreign language, what you're getting is blah-blah-blah, TAXI, blah-blah and you figure "sure, I can make sense of this, I think. He's saying something about taxis.".

The word that should be the same in every language is "walk". Poor people would spend a lot less money on cabs that way. Maybe even "stand". If stand was the internationally understood word, poor people wouldn't feel under so much pressure to go out all the time, spending money they don't have on taxi rides they don't need.

THE DA VINCI SKODA

The latest T Mobile advertisements promise that "the only surprise is a great phone". I must admit that I'm not especially technologically aware so maybe someone can explain to me - up until now, were T Mobile phones generally considered to be terrible? Were they a laughing stock among the phonoscenti? Is that why it's a surprise that when you join T Mobile these days you might get a great phone? Would a good phone be acceptable, if less of a surprise? I think a good phone would be okay, especially if T Mobile were so bad before that they've got this self-conscious about it.

Although, I wonder if maybe the T Mobile guys don't really get "surprise". Y'see, a surprise is, by its very nature, unexpected. It's no good telling the guest of honour that "the only surprise party is yours, next week, on the 19th" because it ceases to be a surprise from that moment forth. "As a special surprise just for you, we've all chipped in and bought you a great mobile phone." - Again, no real surprise, I'm thinking.

Which really means that the T Mobile people are saying that "if you ended up with a great phone from us - it would be a surprise." So, I guess you should really expect a pretty darn useless phone from T Mobile, probably with very little in the way of a comeback for the consumer. "Hey, we told you it'd be a surprise if you got a great phone from us - in the big print. It's no good crying about it now, is it?"

They may have invented a whole new genre of advertising here - the incredibly honest advert. Now that would be a surprise.

(Except not now, since I've just told you...) (Surprise, not a surprise; surprise, not a surprise...)

THE HIVE MIND

It's very impractical being a bee. You're having to put on a dance every time you want to say hello to someone, you're carrying a lethal weapon all the time, you make that buzzing racket wherever you go. As species go, you're getting a pretty raw deal.

Communicating through dance has got to be one of the weirder practical jokes of Mother Nature. I mean, how much can you tell someone through dance? If you're having a gossip about someone in the hive next door is it like a whole ballet number? You're at the job interview to be a drone, and they ask what you've been doing since you left school - you have to burst into West Side Story right there in the interview room. And what about if you don't dance, have no sense of rhythm? Is this the bee equivalent of a speech impediment?

I guess this is why bees never invented television. If bees had their own TV channel it would look like those signed programmes they do for the deaf. You'd have a bee in the corner, wiggling away, keeping the narrative going for the viewers, grooving on down.

And then there's the sting. They say if you don't anger a bee it won't sting you. Must be tough having an argument in the bee house. The beehive is like one of those dystopian sci fi films - Mad Max or something - everyone is armed to the teeth. They've all got a nuclear weapon strapped to their back - you annoy them and they're going ballistic, buddy, it's meltdown city for you!

You can hear bees buzzing wherever they go, like having a squeak in your shoe. So, despite the weaponry and the speaking through dance, bees don't make good ninjas.

THE QUICK, QUICKER, QUICKEST

It seems to me that instant coffee is a great steaming mug of false advertising.

It says instant but you unscrew the lid and you still have to make it. It's not boiled the kettle for you. It can't just be poured from the jar, can it?

Now, I appreciate it's not like I'm having to pick the coffee beans and roast them myself here, but when something describes itself as "instant" I expect it to be instant. Not, "some time fairly soon". That's not speedy enough if you're claiming you're instant, friend.

Light speed. That's pretty instant. Blink and you've missed it. Speed of light seems to fit the criteria. Instant light, I can buy.

Sound. Sound gets the nod for instant, I think. Like light, you can measure its travel if you take a wide enough perspective but, if you're in the same room, it's as gosh darn near instant as makes no odds.

But instant coffee, that's a dubious claim on the "instant" tag. If you had a pen that claimed to be ready to use instantly, you'd be pretty unimpressed if you had to wait five minutes after you'd unscrewed the cap before you could start taking notes.

They should really start calling it "Pretty quick coffee". That's claim enough. I could still buy that without feeling they were trying to get one over on me.