THE WARNING

There are two things about the DVD warning that I really like.

Firstly, when they make it really specific. "If you watch or copy this illegally we will fine you $302,000 and 50 cents." That's great. I like to be clear about the exact depth of the hot water I could find myself in. Sometimes they throw in some vague connection to a government agency, like the FBI. I'm pretty sure the FBI have better ways to spend their day. You know - matters of national security, that sort of thing.

Even worse is when they just make up some agency that's apparently dedicating vast resources to the capsizing of video pirates: "FACT - the Films And Crime Team". This is really just the film companies saying "If you do something wrong I am telling my Mum."

The second type are the warnings where they run in a dozen different languages, one after the other. If it's a really popular film there are languages in there that you never even knew existed. What is Suomi? Who's checking stuff in Norskt?

No matter what language the warning appears in there's always one bit you can recognise... "DVD - Digital Versatile Disc". Don't other languages have their own words for "Digital", "Versatile" or "Disc"? Do they need to steal our words? Isn't that some kind of piracy they're doing there before they even start? Shouldn't they have someone looking into that crime before they start accusing me? All I did was bought a Rockford Files box set here, these guys are stealing whole words.

"That French guy, he stole my word for Digital! Come back here, you garlic munching freak!"

The trouble with the DVD warnings is you usually can't skip past them. You actually have to sit through them before you can watch the film you paid for. That's one problem you don't have with pirate discs. They let you get straight to the film. Which would you really prefer?