MY BANK ERROR

The banks really ask a lot of security questions, don't they?  Is all this stuff really necessary?  I thought the whole point of putting my money into the bank was to make it work for me and yet, here I am, working real hard trying to come up with secure answers for someone in a call centre to talk to me.

And the questions, mercy me, the questions...

"And can you tell me a recent transaction?"  That's a great one, especially if you haven't accessed your bank account for a couple of weeks.  "How recent?  I opened it around 1987, does that count?"

Because they've already asked my name, my account number, I've confirmed my street address - yes, including zip code.  And now they want a recent transaction?

Okay, I'm smart, I admit it.  When I phone up my bank I have my statement in hand.  You know, it has the bank's phone number next to my account number, I figure it's a good thing to have.  I mean, I haven't committed my bank's phone number to memory.  I don't know my account number either, it's, like, 12 digits long - who am I, Rain Man?  So, I'm on the phone, the statement's in my hand, I'm using it the way Nature intended.  So, they need me to quote a recent transaction?  "Oh, I'll give you a recent transaction, my friend.  I'll recent transaction you like you've never been recent transactioned before!"  I'm reeling off cheques paid in, cash taken out, I'm throwing in locations - "it was from ATM number two in that branch, as I recall, and the time was 11.43 am.  I had croissants for breakfast, it's very vivid in my memory" - I'm doing all I can.

And then the call centre guy will say, "No, I really need something more recent than that, sir."

These bank statements are released monthly and the one in my hand is, like, a week old.  How recent?  In the last hour?  Do they need me to conduct a transaction while I'm on the phone and tell them how much it was for?  Would that help?

And yet, when I opened the account I was asked for a super secret password.  Ever try quoting that to the bank people?  They back away, put their hands over their ears.  "We're not really allowed to know that, sir."  So, what was that password for?  Because I've carried that password with me for years and no one's ever asked for it.  Is that for the really special transaction?  You know, when I've found me a pretty Klowness, we're writing vows, looking at rings in the jeweller's window, I'm taking a lot of money out...

"You know, I think I'm going to use the super secret password for this transaction - I think this could be The One."