THE RETURN OF THE KING

Do you ever wonder why Superman doesn't drive? Because, really, you never see him at the wheel of a car. He would sooner pick up a ten ton truck than drive one.

There's really no reason for him not to drive. Sure, he can fly but does that mean he'd always choose to fly? I can walk, I still catch the train to the Klown College. I'm not walking everywhere, effendi.

Do you want to know my theory on this? Kryptonite. That's the problem. That's why Superman doesn't drive. It's got to be in the traffic lights. Your green for go traffic signal - that’s kryptonite, right there, cub reporters. And, when he's exposed to the green glow of kryptonite, as any super-fan knows, Superman is significantly weakened and could potentially die. No one should be behind the wheel in that state. You don't need to be Superman to work that out. Pull over, get out of the car, take some deep breaths.

Of course there's also the red kryptonite there at the top of the traffic light. Red K (as it's known) has an unpredictable, random effect on Kryptonians like Superman. One minute he's at the traffic lights in an SUV, next thing you know it's become a formula one racing car and he's sitting in a giant bear costume.

And then there's the amber light, which I figure must be gold kryptonite. Gold Kryptonite is the one that takes away all of Superman's powers permanently. Yes, all. Yeah, that's a bad, bad day to be stuck in a traffic jam, isn't it? "And I was only going out for Nick O'Teen brand (tm) cigarettes..."