MY HEALTH KICK

Does anyone know who's doing the publicity for the bacteria these days?

Seems like only a few years ago bacteria was a byword for disease, the spread of malady and the general blossoming of ill health. If someone so much as whispered the word "bacteria" in the 1970s, workplaces, classrooms and train carriages would empty like a shot. "What? There's bacteria? Where bacteria? Who brought bacteria? Do I have bacteria on me? Is it on me? Am I going to die? I'm going to die, aren't I?!" It was enough to cause a small riot and secure the front page of the local paper.

These days, however, you can't open a newspaper or switch on the television without a plethora of adverts maintaining the vastly inflated, miraculous properties of "good bacteria". They're in yoghurts, they're in health drinks, they're a great way to start your day for a healthy, balanced lifestyle. Good bacteria are your friend. You can trust good bacteria. They're here for a good time, not for a long time. They brought a decent bottle of wine and a pack of cards. Good bacteria just want to be your friend.

And yet, where were all these good bacteria ten years ago? Why weren't we singing their praises then? Why was it only the evil bacteria that got the coverage in those days?

If there's good bacteria and bad bacteria, it stands to reason that there must be some bacteria that's just, y'know, neutral. Think of them as Swiss bacteria.

THE PRISON FASHION

You never see a pledge drive for prison uniforms the same way you do for local school football teams. The lawbreakers seem to have their funding sorted out. It's like they robbed a bank or something.

Who is designing these outfits? The arrows? The use of bright orange? The blue shirt over white t-shirt?

I like the arrows. You’d know you were in a prison if you got the pyjamas with the arrows all over them, wouldn't you? And those arrows point in every single direction. It's like saying "I broke the law and I am very, very confused about where my life is going. I'm directionless."

Not so sure about the bright orange. They favour this in the American chain gangs, I think. The one good thing you can say for those outfits is that they come with a pocket to store a harmonica.

There's always some guy on that chain gang playing harmonica, isn't there? They take away your worldly possessions when you go into prison but you still get to keep the mouth organ. This is how the American penal system works, as I understand it.

The shirt over the white t-shirt isn't doing a lot for me, to be fair. Sometimes it's a blue shirt, sometimes it's orange. It seems kind of casual. It's like "dress down day" at prison when you see that.

No, for me it has to be the suit with the arrows. That's my choice. Being covered in all those arrows, I'd feel I was carrying on the healthy tradition of lawbreaking that harks back to Robin Hood.

THE STINKING THINGS UP

When you think about it it's kind of strange that the perfume and aftershave manufacturers aren't more adventurous with the scents. There's a lot of musk, a lot of animal magnetism, plenty of marking your territory. There's not a lot of bacon, so far as I can see.

Come on, everyone loves the smell of bacon. Even Jewish vegetarians love the smell of bacon. It's a happy smell. You're out with a friend who smells of bacon, you're happy, the people around you are happy - everyone wins.

Wouldn't coffee be a good smell for aftershave? It has a nice pep-you-up kind of feel about it. Coffee and shaving are the two essentials in a man's morning ritual. Without those the day just hasn’t begun.

What about chocolate? Wouldn't that be the ideal first date scent? I mean, what woman can resist chocolate?

You put those three smells up against Chanel #5 and I think you know which scents are going to win out.

THE DOUBLE NEGATIVE

I'm getting a little sick of having people spout off the term "multimedia" as though they know what they're talking about. Yes, you know who you are.

Because "media", people, means more than one medium. Media is the plural of medium. So, "multimedia" - what's that? Is that, like, many plurals of medium? Medium to the power of ten? (Medium to the power of ten would, of course, be extra large.)

There's no such thing as a double plural. Either there's one item - singular - or there's more than one - plural. There's no "even more than more". Plurals have that covered.

When I drive in my klown car, I'm not using multiroads. They're just roads. "Roads" - we've covered all eventualities right there, d'you see?

I'm not sure if there's a rule for this, but I do know that two negatives make a positive, so it follows that two plurals make a single. So, multimedia - that's just a medium you have there, I think. But, then, it's true what they say - less is more. Or should that be lesses is multimore? Eurgh! Tough language lesson!

THE EATS

You know what's eating me? The fact that I don't have nearly enough friends who are cannibals.

The pig gets a sweet, sweet deal when it comes to the dinner table. You've got your ham, your pork, your bacon rashers. The pig has really clogged up the dictionary with terms for eating it, in much the same way as it clogs up the arteries.

Br'er chicken, he doesn't get such a good option. When you eat chicken, it's chicken. No matter what you do to it, it's still chicken. It has breasts, legs, thighs, but it's all called chicken. You can turn it into nuggets or goujons, you can roast it, you can curry it, but no matter what you do it's still clinging to that chicken appellation by its little chicken claws.

So, back to my original point here, what do the cannibals call human? Do they have plenty of different names for it? Does human get the bacon-ham-pork treatment, the silver service, as it were? Or is human at the same level as chicken, where no one put much thought into what they were going to call it when it was on the plate?

"Awww, mum! Human? Again?!"

"Now dear, it's grilled human today. Special."

MY TWO CENTS

I'm sorry, how much good luck am I gaining from tossing coins in a fountain? Is it a lot? Because, I've tried to measure it and, I've got to tell you, my equipment must not be calibrated finely enough for this measurement.

Let me check the facts, as I understand them...

1. I'm throwing away money.

2. Apparently, I now have good luck.

And this is the deal?

I'm no mathematical genius, but it seems I'm a handful of small change down on the deal here. Point one, I can understand - I'm throwing away hard-earned money. Who wouldn't understand that? Point two, I'm thinking, is a little bit vague. Is the good luck proportionate to the amount of money I throw in the water? Should I be writing cheques?

Maybe it's the advertising standards people I should be speaking to about this.

THE WHISPERED

You have to wonder about the spy network. They have all this security and yet they still stamp "Top Secret" in red on the front of their documents. Doesn't it go without saying by now? Isn't it standard practice that anything involving national security is, by and large, going to need to be kept secret? Don't they teach this on the first Monday morning briefing when you join MI5? Is the "Top Secret" thing there just in case an agent forgets?

And why is it "Top" secret? What is with this hierarchy of secrecy? Isn't information either "To be kept secret" or "Not to be kept secret"? It's just two piles there, surely. "Secret" really has it covered, for me.

I like the "Eyes only" stamp you see on spy papers sometimes. That's a good one. That's there to make sure none of the blind enemy spies try finding brail in that document.

I think that once it does fall into enemy hands, the "Secret" stamp doesn't really hold much weight. For one thing, those people are trying to find out our secrets, so if you highlight that this folder is full of them they're going to be pretty gosh darn interested. Secondly, the "Top Secret" stamp's printed in English. Come on, these spies are foreign - you can’t expect these people to follow simple instructions unless they're in Russian, French or... well, who are we at war with just now? Why can’t we all just get along?