MY HEALTH KICK

Does anyone know who's doing the publicity for the bacteria these days?

Seems like only a few years ago bacteria was a byword for disease, the spread of malady and the general blossoming of ill health. If someone so much as whispered the word "bacteria" in the 1970s, workplaces, classrooms and train carriages would empty like a shot. "What? There's bacteria? Where bacteria? Who brought bacteria? Do I have bacteria on me? Is it on me? Am I going to die? I'm going to die, aren't I?!" It was enough to cause a small riot and secure the front page of the local paper.

These days, however, you can't open a newspaper or switch on the television without a plethora of adverts maintaining the vastly inflated, miraculous properties of "good bacteria". They're in yoghurts, they're in health drinks, they're a great way to start your day for a healthy, balanced lifestyle. Good bacteria are your friend. You can trust good bacteria. They're here for a good time, not for a long time. They brought a decent bottle of wine and a pack of cards. Good bacteria just want to be your friend.

And yet, where were all these good bacteria ten years ago? Why weren't we singing their praises then? Why was it only the evil bacteria that got the coverage in those days?

If there's good bacteria and bad bacteria, it stands to reason that there must be some bacteria that's just, y'know, neutral. Think of them as Swiss bacteria.