THE HIVE MIND

It's very impractical being a bee. You're having to put on a dance every time you want to say hello to someone, you're carrying a lethal weapon all the time, you make that buzzing racket wherever you go. As species go, you're getting a pretty raw deal.

Communicating through dance has got to be one of the weirder practical jokes of Mother Nature. I mean, how much can you tell someone through dance? If you're having a gossip about someone in the hive next door is it like a whole ballet number? You're at the job interview to be a drone, and they ask what you've been doing since you left school - you have to burst into West Side Story right there in the interview room. And what about if you don't dance, have no sense of rhythm? Is this the bee equivalent of a speech impediment?

I guess this is why bees never invented television. If bees had their own TV channel it would look like those signed programmes they do for the deaf. You'd have a bee in the corner, wiggling away, keeping the narrative going for the viewers, grooving on down.

And then there's the sting. They say if you don't anger a bee it won't sting you. Must be tough having an argument in the bee house. The beehive is like one of those dystopian sci fi films - Mad Max or something - everyone is armed to the teeth. They've all got a nuclear weapon strapped to their back - you annoy them and they're going ballistic, buddy, it's meltdown city for you!

You can hear bees buzzing wherever they go, like having a squeak in your shoe. So, despite the weaponry and the speaking through dance, bees don't make good ninjas.