THE QUICK, QUICKER, QUICKEST

It seems to me that instant coffee is a great steaming mug of false advertising.

It says instant but you unscrew the lid and you still have to make it. It's not boiled the kettle for you. It can't just be poured from the jar, can it?

Now, I appreciate it's not like I'm having to pick the coffee beans and roast them myself here, but when something describes itself as "instant" I expect it to be instant. Not, "some time fairly soon". That's not speedy enough if you're claiming you're instant, friend.

Light speed. That's pretty instant. Blink and you've missed it. Speed of light seems to fit the criteria. Instant light, I can buy.

Sound. Sound gets the nod for instant, I think. Like light, you can measure its travel if you take a wide enough perspective but, if you're in the same room, it's as gosh darn near instant as makes no odds.

But instant coffee, that's a dubious claim on the "instant" tag. If you had a pen that claimed to be ready to use instantly, you'd be pretty unimpressed if you had to wait five minutes after you'd unscrewed the cap before you could start taking notes.

They should really start calling it "Pretty quick coffee". That's claim enough. I could still buy that without feeling they were trying to get one over on me.