THE TEASE

What's with those three dots - the ellipses - in television titles these days? You know: Imagine..., Kew Palace... Revealed, Neighbours... From Hell. Am I meant to be building up some sense of anticipation over these things when I see that title come up?

Neighbours... (wow, where could they be from, what kind of neighbours are they, will somebody please just tell me, please let me know, put me out of my misery, why do you do this to a poor old klown, I think I'm having another heart attack, Eurgh!) From Hell. (Phew. Hell, huh? Tough neighbourhood.)

We really don't need that sense of build up for these things. It's, like, a three word title, people.

Documentary strand "Imagine...". You get to the end of those dots and it's an analysis of the writings of Roald Dahl, or something about urban graffiti. Can't we just call this "Imagine" and leave it at that? Are the three dots adding something I'm not aware of? Is it some clever use of Morse Code for North Sea fishermen who might be viewing?

Nobody's titling their movies like this, as far as I'm aware. There's no Star... Wars. It's not The... Omen. He's not Austin Powers, International Man... Of Mystery.

Whenever I see those dots I find myself wanting to finish the statement for the show's ponderous producer. Imagine... If a Computer really could tell us What is Love? Neighbours... and bleach don't mix? Kew Palace... Mortgaged?

It's like having a conversation with someone with a stutter. You keep having to resist that urge to help out.