THE PROCESS

I always feel safe in the hands of processed cheese. It's tough not to. Processed cheese is, by definition, cheese that has gone through the process.

Now, I don't know what that process is, but I've got to tell you it makes me feel safe knowing that this cheese has encountered that process, negotiated it and passed with flying colours. Don't fool yourself into thinking that all cheese is capable of that. It's only the really good cheese that can survive that process. What you have, when you have processed cheese, is a survivor. A master strategist among cheeses. Top of his cheese class. Ruthless? Perhaps. Effective? Always. Processed cheese is the James Bond of cheese.

That little cellophane wrapper they put the slice of processed cheese in - that there is my guarantee it went through the process, beginning to end. It's like the graduation certificate for the cheese degree. It's a doctorate in dairy. It comes through the process - pop - they vacuum seal it to make sure no one can tamper with the modifications they've provided in the process.

But, sometimes, late at night when I'm all alone, I shed a tear, my friend, for all the cheese that didn't survive the process.