PAGING JENNIFER ANISTON ONCE MORE

If I ever take up a career in science, I'm going to work for the toothpaste manufacturers. Whenever you see their adverts, their laboratories are so clean. You could, quite literally, eat your dinner off of their work surfaces. They are immaculate.

And the staff - no one has a hair out of place, they all have freshly laundered white coats, all the women wear those huge 70s glasses like Lynda Carter in Wonder Woman. It is a paradise of science. Or maybe a Paradise Island of science, with the Lynda Carter thing.

It's not a laboratory as we understand it. There are no spills, no accidents, no fire hazards or untidy piles of paperwork. Every scientist in the toothpaste commercials looks like they got a good night's sleep, they're all very interested in everything that's going on.

"What is it we're doing today? Spearmint? Well, I'm getting a piece of that action!"

No one's bleary eyed. No one forgot to shave. There's no dishevelled hair, creased elbows on the coats. No one's had to pull an all-nighter for their latest discovery. It is scientists utopia.

There's a lot of pressure on the toothpaste guys to keep tidy, I guess. That's what their boss is ragging on them about.

"You ate a biscuit at your desk and dropped crumbs - you're fired! And you, with the coffee... you see that spill there? Get out. Out of my laboratory. And, hey, you - the broad without the 70s style glasses... how many times do I have to remind you - we do have a dress code in this place, sister."