REASONS TO SMILE

It strikes me that, as a banking organisation, the last thing you really want is customers who wilfully refuse to take basic responsibility for their own finances. Sure, you may not want them paying too much attention to how you're investing their money, you might prefer them not to watch you like a hawk, I can see that, but surely you'd like them to be passingly interested in what is going on with their bank account, even if it’s just to make sure they're aware they owe you money if they go into the red.

If you switch your bank account to Smile, their advertising tells us, they will move all your direct debit details across automatically. You see, there's simply no need for you to get involved. It's only your money - why pay any basic, cursory attention to who has access to it? What are the Smile Bank trying to hide? Is this why they are smiling so much?

According to the delightful woman in their television advert, having the Smile Bank do this is "like having someone else dump your boyfriend for you." There's an attractive philosophy. Yes, that's really sold me on your bank account, guys. Petty, irresponsible women are your preferred customer type. Where do I sign up? You just try and stop me.

What they're telling us with that slogan is the people they are really looking for to bank with them are the sort of people who pretty well dislike taking basic responsibility for any of the actions of their life. Not just banking. No, the really disinterested sorts who don't even want to get involved in the simple pleasantries of their own relationships. The sort of people who call screen with their answer machines then complain that no one ever invites them out anymore. The kind of people who drive the wrong way up a one way street with the rationalisation that they are "only going one way."

Here are some possible advertising slogans the Smile Bank might also consider:

"Karmically challenged welcome here."

"No morals, no problem."

"Don't even know what money is? Bank with us, ya mug."

"Looking to alienate everyone who knows you? Smile."

"Mwah-hah-hah-hah-hah!" (- done in a fair imitation of Vincent Price, if possible)

So, c'mon, Smile Bank - what are you trying to hide behind all that smiling? I'm onto ya.