YOUR INNER PORN STAR

I'm getting just a little tired of the e-mails that tell you how to discover your porn star name. What is it this time? My pet's name and my road name?

I mean, is this really how porn stars are settling on their names? Is this the official formula that the pornography industry insist their featured artists adhere to before they can join the team? Is this like getting an equity card?

"So, Miss Blonde..."

"Please - call me Randy, all my friends do. Giggle."

"So, um, Randy, it says here on the form that you grew up on the High Street and you had a pet fish called Colin? Well, Miss Blonde - or should I say 'Colin High Street' - welcome to the porn industry."

There are a few variations on this theme, and it's always a mind-boggling selection of categories, isn't it? "Just add your pet's name to the name of the Ancient Egyptian god or goddess you most admire." "Add your mother's maiden name to the make of family car your father owned when you were six." "Your favourite brand of ice cream to the name of your junior school." It's a great big memory test of obscura to work these things out. And for what? Unless you lived on Tassels Street you're really wasting your time.

There are a few of these name things that do the rounds, and it's not just porn star names you can discover. There are websites dedicated to randomising you a Star Wars name on the spot, a mobster name, a stripper name, and on and on. Somebody has spent hours of programming time getting this thing up and running so I can learn that if I were a superhero I'd be called Hyper-Man. Yeah, thanks. I mean that.

The Star Wars ones are always interesting to me. You put in your name and they will randomise some kind of space sounding name, you know - Detoo Darkstar or Buzz Warpflyer. Because it's a well known fact that everyone in Star Wars has a ludicrous, space sounding name. Just ask Luke.

Or Ben.