MY TRINNY AND SUSANNAH FANTASY

The main qualification for being a fashion consultant is an inability to dress reasonably. Whenever a fashion consultant appears on television they are always overdressed, wearing scarves, layers, fabrics that don't sit well together, colours that clash. They have these odd bits of flesh showing where really it shouldn't. It's not nice to look at - somebody really should tell them. They must have friends somewhere.

And yet, people love the advice of the fashion consultant. They'll stand there and be insulted, ridiculed, made to feel absolutely inconsequential. Never once do they turn around to the person giving the advice and say, "Well, you have the make-up skills of a drag queen." Which, let's be honest, most of them do. Layers of different fabric may show that the consultant is indecisive; layers of foundation - well, that's simply wrong.

It's fun to see the fashion consultant on the audience participation chat show. You have Trisha or Oprah or Kilroy there, very seriously introducing their special guest today in voice over while the camera lens tries not to crack as it's focused on some 15-going-on-40 year old wearing a puce silk scarf with a madras orange blouse and so much foundation that she daren't smile. Sure, these are the people we want to take advice from.

And yet, the fashion consultant is a well-paid occupation. It seems that you can make a pretty good living telling colour-blind people with self-confidence issues that brown really is the new black.