THE SAFETY KLOWN

It's strange to think that the whole idea of shaving ever caught on.

I mean, what was the sales pitch on this one?

Tired of that facial hair? Why not use a remarkably sharp blade on your face to trim those pesky whiskers away?

Because wouldn't you be shouting at the TV set the first time you saw this concept? Um, hello? You want me to use a very sharp blade on my face?! Around my mouth?!? Here?!? This spot is, like two inches from my eye socket - what happens if I slip? There's water and foam everywhere, it's not like there's no chance of slippage. There is every chance of slippage. And I do this first thing in the morning? That's your idea? Before I've really had a chance to wake up? I don't think so, Mister Adrenaline Junkie. I'm keeping this beard right where it is.

I think maybe this is where the term "safety razor" originated. Those marketing guys at Bic were wondering why they couldn’t sell their "lethal blade to the face" idea and some bright spark suggested adding the word "safety" to the front of it.

"Well, it says safety... it can't be that dangerous."

THE REAL KLOWN

One of the most disturbing television trends of the past five years has been the move towards broadcasting "The Real" something. You know the shows I mean... You've watched the fictitious and entertaining exploits of a dancing couple who fall in love, now our cameras follow around a real one in "The Real Dirty Dancing". Those fictitious jack-the-lads have been ripping off stereotype villains who deserve it in "Hustle", now watch as real conmen cheat your grandma out of her savings.

I wonder if the TV people actually get fiction. Fiction can give us insights into ourselves, the human condition, the lives of others. But it's fiction so that it can entertain and educate, so you can cut out all the boring stuff that goes up to making the "scam", the "dirty dance", the (make it stop) Chucklehound. A shaky camera chasing around a couple of misfits desperate to get on TV does not fulfil the same need in your audience.

Look, there have actually been programmes about "The Real (insert name of popular comedy show here)". Comedy - funny. Real life - mostly not funny. Do you think my life is funny?

The trouble with doing "real" versions of fictitious television programmes is that you start to wonder how much fiction there is left in the world. One of these days that will be the lead story on the ten o'clock news: "Fiction drought as 'Real' television shows take over." And twenty minutes later you can change channel and watch "The Real News" where the headline will be about fiction taking over from reality, presented in badly white-balanced shaky cam.

THE WILL ROBINSON

In today's news: In light of recent kidnappings, the Gaza strip has been declared as too dangerous for most Westerners to visit.

What level of danger is that, exactly? Is that an official military classification of threat level - "too dangerous for most Westerners"? On the danger scale where does this sit? Is this at the "stepping out of the shower onto a slipperly floor" end of the spectrum or is it closer to the "stepping out of the shower onto a slipperly floor in the house of Anthony 'Psycho' Perkins" end of the scale?

Because, between the elderly, the very young, the sick, the nervous flyers, the people whose passports have expired, the people who don't even have a passport, the people who didn't get their shots, the overweight, the tall people with the deep vein thrombosis, the pregnant women and the people with spinal problems who can't sit in airplane seats for an extended period, I think most foreign lands are considered too dangerous for the majority of Westerners to visit. You add all those people up, that's gotta be 51% who won't be flying anywhere. I'll take that as most, if I may.

When are the news people going to realise that these unquantified statements in the press just aren't helping anyone? When you tell me that a part of the globe is too dangerous for most Westerners to visit, I really have to insist that you show me the full list of Westerners who are allowed there. I'm guessing Batman, John Rambo, Bond'James Bond, maybe Breakfast Club era Judd Nelson. Anyone?