KRUSTY GETS DRAFTED

If I'm going to go to war, my choice would be to be drafted for a civil war. I've looked at the options, let me assure you, and I think civil war is the best of a bad bunch.

No war is good, except, of course, for Star Wars. All other forms of war are terrible. As I understand it, total war has the whole shebang, everything you're looking for in a war. Atomic war can be a blast, I'm sure. You have to pack thermals if you want to be involved in the Cold War. The war of attrition is really just a lot of waiting around. I'll accept that price wars can be fun, for a while, but really I don't want to be fighting over a two pence price drop in the cost of beans. And, knowing my luck, if I was at the war to end all wars I'd be looking in the wrong direction when it actually ended.

Yessireebob, the war for me is civil war. I assume that people are more civilised in civil war. They look out for each other, they think about the other people involved. Really, there are rules to the civil war - that what makes it civil. This is what people mean when they talk about killing someone with kindness.

They say war is hell. But, civil war is more a case of "war is brush yourself down, old chap, you'll be fine, do you need a hand up?"