THE UP-IN-SMOKE QUESTION

They only ever put the "keep away from fire and flames" label on items you associate with sleeping: duvets, pyjamas, nightdresses. Who are all these people who are sleeping while on fire? How many people had to do that before they decided to put the warning on the label?

They don't put it on other clothing, you'll notice. Jeans, shirts, jackets - these are all flame retardant, I guess, or they'd get the label on them, too, right? Must be. Really, there's no label there. Go check.

How warm do you need to be under that duvet anyway? If you're sleeping under a duvet, next to a raging fire - you're really not entering into the spirit of outdoor camping.

They should put more warning labels on clothes...

Warning: this top won't make you look 20 years younger, no matter how much belly it shows off.

Warning: This is made of that material that glows under ultraviolet light... just so you know.

Warning: No one can pull off the Bugs Bunny tie look. Really, just leave the shop. Walk away. Walk away now.