THE COLOUR-BLIND TAXATION

My local council has announced plans to charge higher residential parking fees for "gas guzzling" vehicles, like 4x4s and SUVs. The reasoning, they say, is that these vehicles cause more damage to the environment and thus should be penalised. The residential parking fees will be up to three times as much as those applied to a standard car.

Great theory. Just great.

If the real concern is that these gas guzzling vehicles are contributing to the CO2 emissions by being driven, surely you want to encourage their owners to park them. You don't want to charge higher and higher parking fees - that just sends out the message that these vehicles should be driven, they should never stop and park.

Suggestion to local council - if you want to cut down on emissions charge these vehicles extra for moving.

MY DAMP CAREER IN PHYSICAL COMEDY

You have to admire the "Caution Wet Floor" guy.

You know the guy I mean - you see him on the yellow plastic sign they put on tiled floors of public places like stations and shopping malls. He's there, he's giving it his all. His back is bent almost double, he's falling backwards, his arms are windmilling, one foot is off the ground and up in front of him - he's falling and nothing is going to stop him. You don't just walk off a fall like that, let me tell you. He's looking at some kind of serious - possibly chronic - spinal damage there. Chronic is the medical term for this type of injury, friend.

Do you ever wonder who this guy is? When he got this gig, he really threw himself into it. He must be some kind of stunt man. A trained professional, that's for sure. Maybe he's had some circus training. I can’t tell who he is, because I can’t see his face. He could be falling over right in front of me right this second and I wouldn't recognise him unless there was a bright yellow light behind him and he was in silhouette.

That's a life wasted. He's managed to achieve almost-fame. It's not actual fame. No one knows who he is, yet he's still instantly recognisable as the guy who slips on wet floors.

That movement he does - the arched back, the windmilling arms, one leg up in the air - that to me is a pratfall. That's the very definition of a pratfall. When you look up pratfall in the dictionary they really need to have this guy's picture in there.

Pratfall - see the Caution Wet Floor guy.