THE ENGLEHART

Suicide bomber seems like a strange career choice to me. I can't really see where that career ladder is headed. Once you're a suicide bomber, that's really your working life over with. There's definitely a glass ceiling in that occupation, and I'm pretty sure they don't have a pension scheme or private healthcare.

I'd guess you have to work your way through the terrorist ranks to become a suicide bomber. I mean, you don't just get suicide bombing as your first assignment, there's got to be more to it than that. It seems to be mostly young men who do this suicide bombing stuff when you see it on the news, there aren’t a lot of old guys in this occupation, I've noticed.

I'd guess it's really more of an assignment than a job. You know, you get into work in the morning, over at the secret terrorist cell and find a note in your pigeonhole or your name on the rota under "suicide bombing". And what is with the terrorist cell anyway? You want to overthrow the current regime and you're working in a "cell"?! Couldn't you come up with a more encouraging name?! I'm thinking "terrorist nirvana" or "terrorist Shangri La" would be, y'know, something.

So, the boss is handing out the week's assignments, you know, and it's: "Terrorist A, I want you to do some petitioning on the street, drum up some support against the current regime; Terrorist B, I need some photocopies made of our superior doctrine; Terrorist C, you'll be suicide bombing the home of democracy and commerce; and Terrorist D, I have some dry cleaning to pick up..." (You'll note here that, like terrorist trials in the news, the terrorists themselves are referring to each other only by letters. Call me a stickler for accuracy.)

Everyone's rushing off to fulfil their respective tasks, and Terrorist C is like... "Hang on a minute - you want me to do what? But, I don't wanna be a suicide bomber."

"Well, look, son, we've all really admired your work with the pamphleting and the terrorist recruitment. We cannot fault that. We all talked it over and we think you're the right guy for this suicide bombing stuff."

"Waitaminute, you all talked it over? Where was I? Don't I get a vote?"

"'A vote'? Son, you've really not been paying attention at our terrorist rallies, have you? We're trying very hard to overthrow the regime of one man-one vote here. No one gets a say - that's, like, our whole credo, friend."

"Is there any chance I can swap assignments?"

"I wouldn't think so."

I'd guess that the suicide bomber is really just the most unpopular guy in the terrorist cell, the one no one likes very much. You know the sort - he's keen to please but he's very annoying. The other terrorists keep giving him bad assignments just see how far he'll go in the hopes he'll take the hint and leave them alone.