THE PICCADILLY

The "Panic button" news story is irresistible to me. I can't imagine being in a panicking situation and still having the presence of mind to press one particular button.

I imagine it's just one huge red button, maybe with a huge "panic" decal on it. Actually the panic button probably uses the internationally recognised symbol for panic - that's a stick man pulling his hair out on a yellow triangular background. Because, if there's more than one button on that dashboard of panic, you're really in trouble when you lose your head. You'd be there, slapping all the buttons - your desk lamp would be going on and off, the fan would switch on, there'd be papers blowing about. You don't want too many options when it comes to the panic button.

My trouble with the panic button would be knowing when to use it, I think. I'm one of those people - I've got four heavy bags of shopping, one of the handles has split, it's pouring with rain, I still don't catch the bus, you know? "Grrr... I can... make it... I'm... fine." I think I'd be like that with the panic button. The accused attacks me - no panic, I'm not ready to panic yet. The accused stabs me with the shiv he's knocked up in the prison-workshop - no panic, I'll be fine, I'm just losing blood. The accused gets behind me, strangles me with the chain from his handcuffs... I was fine up until then but now I'm getting the spots before my eyes, I can't breathe properly, I've lost all sensation below the neck... Okay, now I'm panicking. Now I'm reaching for the panic button. Let's make it official. Let's panic.

What does the panic button connect to anyway? I think it's just a crew of low-paid security guys watching cctv screens and reading the sports results in the newspaper. That panic button goes, it sets off the spinning red light, there's an arooga noise, it's anarchy in that squad room. The first thing hitting that panic button does is sets these guys into one.

What you really need is to work up to using the panic button. Maybe they could install a "slightly wary" button and a "in a tizzy" button next to it.