THE 20 A DAY

You really have to admire the way the Metro newspaper targets those niche markets - a competition in today's edition offers readers the chance to win a "quit smoking kit". Yep, you heard me - a kit.

I'm interested to learn what is contained in the quit smoking kit. I'm guessing you have some soggy matches, one of those cigarette lighters that's run out of fuel and just sparks in vain when you roll the ignition wheel, and, of course, a packet of cigarettes. An empty packet of cigarettes.

But even with all those items in the kit, there are some people whose addiction is just too deep rooted to halt - the ever trusty chain smokers. I love the term "chain smokers". "Smoker" just sounds like a pastime, but "chain smoker" - that's a whole occupation you have there. You have to go on training courses to become a chain smoker. They have their own union.

For these people, I feel that sleep is really the only time they're guaranteed not to smoke. What they need in that quit smoking kit is a tranquilliser gun filled with that stuff they use to fell elephants.

"Great news, guys I haven’t had a cigarette for two weeks! I've finally quit smoking! It's a triumph of man's will power over the evils of nicotine."

"Get real, Rip Van Winkle - we just shot you with an elephant tranq."