THE WINTER OLYMPICS

What kind of a name is Luge for a sport? Really? Who's naming these sports? Luge sounds like something you'd need ointment for. "I've had a nasty case of luge lately."

And yet I don't think there's an event in the Winter Olympics called Tray Sledding. That's the kind of sport you try when it snows. In fact, I think that's pretty much all the luge is. The competitors are going round an ice-covered track at 200 miles an hour sitting on a plastic tea tray.

I think I'd have a lot more respect for the Winter Olympics if they renamed the whole thing as the Wintry Olympics. It just sounds more festive. If the competitors dressed up as Victorian children, that would really add something. The Wintry Olympics full of people in Victorian dress rushing around in the show - that's what I call a sports event.