THE BLONDIE CONFUSION

I cannot meet people at midday, just can't do it. I can meet people at 11.59. I can meet people at 12.01. But midday, that's a real problem for me.

My trouble is this - when I meet someone, I try to be polite. "Good morning," I offer cheerily, grinning my most endearing klown smile. Or "Good afternoon," I heartily exclaim as I grasp their hand for a firm shake.

But midday? Now, that's a problem. There's no "Good noon" as far as I'm aware. It sounds pretty stupid saying "Good noon". I don't think people would say that. So, what do you say? Do you turn up early, hoping to sneak a "Good morning" just under the wire? And if your friend is late do you hide until 12.01, then burst forth with the "Good afternoon"? Because, friends are one thing - that's not good practice for the business world where time is money. Good etiquette, I'll grant you, but not very sound business sense.

The most graceful solution I've come up with is this: You arrive a little early, your friend/business partner/probation officer starts with the traditional "Good morning" and you clasp hands. But oh no, what's this - that clock's second hand is rushing along, it's 12.00. You’re in noon, buddy boy, and there's no getting around it now. Just hold that hand for sixty of your seconds, just stand there, shaking, grinning, not saying a word. Then, once 12.01 finally shows its lazy, misbegotten face, you can give the cheerful "Good afternoon" and nobody's any the wiser.

Handshakes kind of get a bit like something out of The Matrix, all bullet-time and stuff, but it's the only way out of a bad situation.