THE NON-X-RAY VISION

What is with these Metropolis people? Every Superman comic book, film or TV show features that cry whenever Superman appears - "Look, up in the sky!" "It's a bird!" "It's a plane!" "No - it's Superman!"

He's a guy in a bright blue, skin-tight suit with a flowing red cape and some nut is shouting "It's a bird!" Sure, pal - a big, man-sized bird that's also man-shaped and wearing clothes and a cape. Come on, use your eyes.

"It's a plane!" No, it's not. It could be a man-shaped inflatable balloon maybe, that broke its tethers from the Metropolis Thanksgiving Day Parade or something, but no way is it a plane. You see the lack of wings, the inclusion of the flowing red cape. I'm thinking it's not a plane.

And this is Metropolis. It's not like Superman is a rare sight. He's been around, saving the cracked dam, repelling that alien invasion, frazzling muggers with his heat vision - the guy's a celebrity. You see a man-shaped object in the skies of Metropolis and your immediate reaction is to shout "It's a bird!" - seriously, see an optician.

I hereby propose that the traditional call be altered. Nothing big, just a little tweak.

"Look, up in the sky!" "It's a man-shaped, man-sized bird wearing a red cape!" "It's a man-shaped, man-sized plane wearing a red cape!" "Well, mercy me, you're both wrong - it's Superman!"

A little credibility goes a long way.