THE UNWITTY RIPOSTE

Nobody's ever quite ready for the answer phone. You call up, you're told to leave a message, you have to come up with something on the spot - it's a very difficult position to suddenly find yourself in. You certainly didn't bank on all this when you dialled the number.

Being told to leave a message after the beep is like a curtain call for a play you don't remember auditioning for...

"Krusty, you're on in three seconds... beep!"

"What?"

"Get on the stage, pal - you've got a full house waiting for you out there."

"B-but, I didn't get a copy of the script yet!"

And it's being recorded as well, so you know your friend can and will play it back at least once. In that sense, it's not so much like a play - more like one of those charity telethon things, where the newsreaders have to perform a live song and soap opera actors struggle to be spontaneous, fully aware that people will be rewatching these embarrassing clips on compilation programmes for years to come.

I think the real problem with the answer phone is that most telephone conversations just aren't that important. You call you friend, you really just want to know if they heard that new record yet, or whether they're still coming out on Friday or something. The actual decision to leave a message feels like it should be reserved for important stuff, like when someone's in hospital or the house has just burnt down or there's a newborn baby. "Are you still coming out on Friday?" seems kind of a waste of good tape.

I guess the real problem with the answer phone is realising that your friend is out somewhere, probably having a lot more fun than you are. So, whatever you say in that message it pretty well boils down to "Hi, I'm at home, on my own, nothing to do. You're out, you have other friends. I don't. Hope to speak to you when you're not so busy. Please don't forget me."