THE DARK BOARD MEETING OF THE SITH

If there is one person who has influenced my decision not to pursue a career in management it is Darth Vader. That bit at the end of The Empire Strikes Back where he makes the job offer to Luke...

"Join me, and together we will rule the galaxy, as father and son."

I'm not denying the coolness of Darth Vader, here, but you really have to root for Luke in that scene. Vader's a great bad guy, but nobody wanted the evil galactic Empire to win Star Wars. After all, they're the evil galactic Empire. That was their first choice of name. There was no question of using the misunderstood galactic Empire or the we're okay once you get to know us galactic Empire. They went straight in with the evil.

Vader's offer is really that Luke come and join the management team. You know, the Emperor is the Director General, Vader is the logistics manager, there's Peter Cushing in there as one of the regional directors, Mister Bronson from Grange Hill as the guy from human resources. Since I was six years old this has been my comprehension of management.

Nobody wants to be on the board with Darth Vader. He's in the middle of a presentation of profits for the last financial quarter and he's suddenly turning to me...

"And how is productivity in your area?"

And I'd be blurting out something off the top of my head, you know, like, "Well, we've had quite a difficult time - the cold weather has kept people away from our stores..."

And Vader would do that strangling people with a look trick of his. "The weather does not concern me, Assistant Manager Krusty."

(Which is ironic, because when you wear a heavy cloak you really need to think about whether you want to go out in a heavy storm - it gets damp, weighs you down, it's a great big drag.)

It's tough to feel much job satisfaction in a situation where you can be strangled at any moment.