HERE'S MY PARADE

The TV presenters have absolutely no confidence in actually telling us when they're forecasting rain. They seem to think that we can’t handle the idea of rain, that the concept is somehow too horrific for the human mind to truly contemplate in its entirety.

They couch it in those "it's okay really" kind of terms. It's a slight chance, a hint, the possibility of. There's no chance of them just blurting it out, no - they do it like when the doctor has bad news for you. "I'm afraid we're going to have to amputate that arm that's been causing all the aggravation, Mister Klown... and there's a slight chance of rain in the afternoon." It's all in the same, sympathetic, "I understand, I really do", kind of voice.

Weathergirls are especially down on rain. When they forecast rain they try to distance themselves from it with a "And 'groan' there may be a slight hint of rain in the afternoon, but it will go away." What they're really trying to say is: "hey - it's not my fault. Don't blame me. I'll do a nice forecast tomorrow, I promise. 'smile'"

Scattered showers are very important to the weatherman. Not just showers - they feel the need to specify that these will be scattered showers. Can we just be treated like adults for a moment? When it rains here, are we supposed to believe that it's also raining everywhere else in the world unless they put that "scattered" caveat on the report?

I'd like to see more weather people with the courage of their convictions. "Look, today it's going to rain. You'll need an umbrella. And, even then, you're still going to get soaked." And I don't want any shilly-shallying, no "it'll be good for the garden", no "this is what the reservoirs need". Just come out and tell me it is going to rain and there's not a single thing I can do about it.

Really, I can take it.