THE UNFUNNY

I'm thinking of pitching a sitcom to British independent TV company "Baby Cow". They're the people responsible for...

Monkey Trousers - In which Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer prove that they are no funnier now than they were ten years ago.

Nighty Night - Which addresses the important issue of how thoroughly unpleasant you can be to someone suffering with terminal cancer. With a laughter track.

Alistair McGowan's Big Impression - oh look, he's being someone who left EastEnders in 1987. Now he's a football manager with a generic, off-the-shelf foreign accent. Now he's... wait, don't tell me... is that an impression of Mike Yarwood?

Ideal - less than ideally, it stars Johnny Vegas. Stand-up comedian, writer, performer, actor. Is there any start to this man's talents?

My comedy for Baby Cow will be about the chronic abuse of language. It's called a calf, you witless morons.