WHY YOU ARE A FASHION VICTIM

Okay, I admit it - I don't "get" fashion. Be it designer names, piercings, hair styles, ring tones, tattoos - really, the whole fashion thing just washes over me. I don't wear the right clothes, I don't visit the right places, I don't display the right body scarification, I don't listen to the right music, and, quite honestly, it really makes no odds to me at all.

In two years time, all of these trends will have gone and the Next Big Thing will be here. We'll look at pictures of lads from 2005, displaying their Chinese character tattoos and their shaven heads and we'll wonder if we were running concentration camps back then.

But when you think about it, we're all victims of fashion. Take the clock back a few billion years. Loads of fish swimming about until one day one of them thinks - hey, what's all that land stuff up there? I'm going to a take me a look-see. And fish boy decides he quite likes it and he sets up home, maybe in the trees. Next thing you know, a few of his mates are up on the land and we have the start of monkeys.

One day, one of those monkeys gets bored with all the swinging about in the trees, builds a house and settles down. Before you know it, some of the other monkeys have cottoned on and suddenly he's surrounded by people who think this looks pretty good. And that was the first City of Man.

You see, all evolution is is a load of trendy people trying to keep ahead of the fashion curve.