ON THE FANTASTIC FOUR MOVIE

The Fantastic Four really didn't think about how they would all go together when they were choosing their superhero names.

Now, Reed Richards - he got the stretchy body powers but he didn't mess about with a daft name like "Stretch Man" or "Long-limbed Guy". He went straight in with "Mister Fantastic". First superhero of the Marvel Universe, June 1961, and he had the pick of any superhero name he wanted. Of course he chose Mister Fantastic. It doesn’t take a genius (which he is, by the way) to choose that name from the list.

The same thing is true of the DC Universe. The first superhero there took the name "Superman". Do you see the pattern here? I believe the first superhero published by Charlton Comics was called "Captain Best in All the World" or something. It takes a lot of ego to be the first of the superheroes from a given comic book publisher.

But after Mister Fantastic, the FF went a bit haywire.

Okay, Sue Storm went with the Invisible Girl, which is nice. It's descriptive. Doesn't leave much to the imagination. I mean, if you're a supervillain trying to fight the team and you meet Sue, you figure - (1) she's a girl and (2) she'll be the one who'll sneak up on me if I don't keep my wits about me.

Johnny Storm chose the Human Torch as his codename. Yeah, he's a flaming torch of a man, so that makes sense again. The Storms clearly had very linear thought processes in their household. No thinking outside the box for them.

Finally you have Ben Grimm. Now, bear in mind he's the fourth superhero to choose a name in the whole comic book world. There's still a lot of great names out there waiting to be taken. And yet, he goes with "the Thing". Really, you have Mister Fantastic at number one and the Thing at number four. Come on, Ben - you had the pick of the names. I know Reed got the Mister Fantastic one but you're no Human Torch, guy, and, be honest, the Invisible Girl wouldn't really have helped your credibility on Yancy Street. But, look around - was the Thing the best you could come up with? Why not call yourself "Lump" or "Waste of Space" or "Don't Ask, 'kay"?

Then again, maybe the Thing was a canny choice after all.

"Wow, that guy sure has some moves on the dance floor and the chicks are really digging him."

"Yeah, he has a certain je ne sais quoi."

"A certain... what's that?"

"It's French. It means, y'know, Thing."