OH, THE HUMANITY

Does anyone actually know what Human Rights are? Is there a list written down somewhere that I'm not aware of? I don't remember being invited to the meeting. I'm sure I didn't get a say in what constitutes Human Rights. My vote didn't count. And yet, the Human Rights campaigners seem to pop up all over the place telling us that people's Human Rights are being abused with jaw-dropping regularity.

Holding terrorists in prison is an abuse of their Human Rights. If a child can't get into her school of choice then her Human Rights are being abused. If the school doesn't teach music - well, that's a Human Rights violation, right there.

The use of the word "flagrant" is all important. Smoking in public places is a flagrant abuse of human rights. It's not enough to be an abuse of Human Rights. Step it up to a flagrant abuse - that's like when Kirk switches from yellow to red alert on the bridge of the Enterprise. This is the real deal - all that other Human Rights violating was nothing compared to this.

Human Rights seem to be pretty easy to abuse... Someone vacuuming while you're watching TV - that's an abuse of your Human Rights, friend. Your neighbour's playing loud music - yeah, that's abusing your Human Rights, too. Standing next to a sweaty guy on the bus - consider yourself flagrantly abused.

But even worse than the abuse of Human Rights and the flagrant abuse of Human Rights is denying someone their basic Human Rights. I guess that's when you could allow someone their Human Rights, and they know it, but you don't let them anyway. You just taunt them with their Human Rights. "Look, we're listening to the Beatles out here while all you've got is a Val Doonican collection!" Denying someone their basic Human Rights, it seems, is just plain mean.

When they catch people who they suspect are guilty of abusing Human Rights do they have a special version of that whole arrest speech that they read them? "You have the Human Right to remain silent. You have the Human Right to an attorney..."

And the poor guy's being hauled away and he's complaining "What? I gave my prisoners air, I gave them water and three decent meals a day. I gave them books and allowed them access to the prison yard to get some sunshine and exercise. They even had TV in their cells. Pretty much, all I didn't do was let them out of the prison."

"Yeah, you gave them TV but you hid the remote - what kind of a sick, perverted, Human Rights abuser are you?"