ZOMBIE RESTAURANTS

Refurbishment is like bringing a restaurant back from the dead. For three weeks the place is closed, then someone comes by with a ouija board and the old place claws itself out of the grave and back to life.

After a restaurant has been refurbished, the first thing you do is look around and see how much of the old décor you can spot. It's like seeing the strings on a puppet - you can’t help but look. There's a strange victory in finding the same old table when you peel back the bright new tablecloth.

The waiters are always the same though. Even though the restaurant is all shiny and new, the waiters are still wearing the same tired white shirt and black trousers they were wearing three weeks ago before it closed down. They walk around slightly dazed, confused about where the tables are now like they've lost their sense of space, and you watch them in the back room as they try to find where the wines are kept.

It's a weird transaction when a restaurant offers free drinks after reopening. No one quite knows how to ask for it - most people go for ordering the wine and then acting slightly confused as they ask "Is this one... um... free?" while pointing at the note on the menu and trying not to catch the waiter's eye. And there's always that reluctance from the waiter to actually let you have the free glass of wine, even though it's from a job lot of the cheapest plonk they could find. They feel like you're getting one over on them, somehow.

Sometimes restaurants leave that "free drink" note on the menu way too long and the waiter looks horrified when you ask for it six months after the reopening. Doing that can bring the manager out for a frantic whispered discussion with the employee, which is a source of entertainment in itself. It's always fun to be at the meeting point of those furtive glances, isn't it? Instead of a free drink, maybe restaurants should just offer the "frantic whispered discussion" as an option. Then your waiter can go through that whole conversation with the manager in front of you - it'd be like your own private cabaret.