THE CALL OF OPHIUCHUS

It's a tough call to do jokes about cancer. In fact, it's pretty hard to do jokes about any of the star signs - you always run the risk of alienating a twelfth of your audience.

When you ask, most people can name four or five signs of the zodiac off the top of their head, but after that they have to put some thought in. Because, they're such a random group of items, it's very difficult just to remember them like --snap-- that.

There's a lion and a bull, and I think there's a ram in there somewhere. The arachnid kingdom is especially well represented, with both the scorpion and the crab making the top twelve. But after that, it's like getting photos back from a fancy dress party you were at three months ago. "What? Someone came as a set of scales? There were twins there? I don’t think I even spoke to them. And what's this guy with the arrows? Is he meant to be an archer? Now, that guy's going home a virgin!"

I get confused by Aquarius - I always think it's the sign of the aquarium. Maybe it should be - then we could drop Pisces the fish, shunt all the houses of the zodiac along one place, and make room for a new star sign at the end. Based on current form, that star sign could be a zebra. It could, just as easily, be a houseboat. Maybe an umbrella.

If anyone with influence is taking notes here, can I just put a bid in for Krustio - the sign of the Harlequin? I think that would add to the general ambience of the astrology page in the newspapers.