THE SOAP QUESTIONS

Have you ever been round someone's house and been forced to watch a soap opera that you wouldn't normally follow? There are a lot of questions when you don't watch a soap - I'd estimate about twelve minutes per half hour of programme.

"Are they sleeping together?"

"She's his step-sister, right?"

"Who's this guy? Is he her boss?"

"Her ex-husband, is that who he is?"

No matter how many questions you ask, it's hard to really care about these people when you know you're only going to be in their lives for that 30 minute period. You're there for the half hour, but you're not coming back. You have as much chance of knowing what happened to these people as you do the people you shared the doctor's waiting room with last time you were there.

The only thing worse than not watching a soap is watching one for too long. Sometimes you've been watching longer than the writers, and you start correcting stuff where they mess up.

"He can’t marry her - she's his first cousin!"

"But, when we last saw him, he was crippled in a car accident!"

"Waitaminute, how is this possible?! Her Dad died three years ago!"

No matter how bad a soap opera gets, it's always hard to let go. You have to do it sudden, like removing a plaster. There's no soap opera substitute gum, or soap opera lite you can take in its place.